Lee Woodruff's 'real life" touches 'Those We Love Most'-USA Today, 9/5/12
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Did you breastfeed? Do you think all women should or else be put in the slammer? You might find this interesting. This is the show "Moms Get Real" on ABC News... with Ju JU Chang-- one of my very fave moms..... this is part 1
Many parents are taken by surprise by how "plain old sad" they feel in the aftermath of a child’s departure. When the first kid goes off to college, your own parents ( the college kid's grandparents) are most likely more fragile or have died. That may add an intensity to the sense of loss for the sandwich generation. Younger children left behind are readjusting and going through their own emotions. And of course some siblings are quietly celebrating.
There is no question that the dinner table dynamics will be completely different.
So, after drop off, book a spa appointment ahead of time, a lunch with girlfriends, plan a big family dinner or even a get-away. One Mom reported taking a weekend trip with the sibling at home to make them feel special in the wake of her son’s absence.
Hard as it may be—most parents suggested to wait for your kid to call you. It means they are in a talkative mood and you won't have to play 20 questions.
From one Mom… “texting is a great way to say hi ... they can respond when they want and no one has to know its their Mom.”
“I made limited phone calls. It was impossible to know when he was studying, in class or out w/friends and didn't want to be bugged by his mom. I was the QUEEN of mom texting. Random. Every day. Always short. A lot of love. And funny. A line from a movie we'd seen together. The mundane stuff like what I cooked for dinner--or who was at the grocery. All the little pieces of our life that we always shared..we were just doing it in a different way.”
One parent/psychologist suggested “Don’t keep telling your kid that this is going to be the best time of their lives (even though it will be). The first months are the toughest times in many ways... making decisions on their own, meeting all new friends, hard work, no family...It almost sets them up to feel as if they are losers for not feeling like this is the best time ever.”
Make sure you have your child’s permission to log onto to his school account so you can see his grades and progress. It's snooping, but not snooping, especially when you are paying the bills.
DON’T BE A HELICOPTOR PARENT
Experts caution not to swoop in to save the day once they are on campus. Let you child tough it out with money, bad grades, etc. If they run into "trouble", encourage them to use the university's resourceful and trained faculty and staff. It's not abandonment; it's empowerment. College is a time for them to learn about the difficult choices adults need to make, and to do it without feeling alone.
Anna Quinlan’s advice to me is one of my favorites – “When we dropped our daughter at Kenyon they gave us a card with the words "What are YOU going to do about that problem?" They suggested we put it by the phone and read it when our kid called complaining about the roommate/the courses/the food/the advisor. There's way too much parental involvement at a time designed for separation. Parents today call the provost to complain about a grade on a daughter's paper, or the president to talk about a room assignment. It's insane.“
One father advised, "listen, more than talk" and above all else, "do not lecture". When the phone call with a sad voice comes, and it will, steel yourself to be a listener not a savior. In the end, tell your child that you trust that they will make the right decision for themselves.
I liked one parent’s 24 hour rule. “If your child calls home with a “crisis,” roommate problems, locked out, etc., wait 24 hours. Then call them and most of the time they will have forgotten all about it.”
Mark Horowitz who lectures regularly about parenting through this stage of life offers this real world anecdote:
“When I took my son to college we saw his room mate sitting on the bed, while his "Mommy" was folding his underwear and socks and putting them in the top drawer of a dresser (a place the kid won't go to for the next 6 months!). "Daddy" was filling out forms after all parents were instructed NOT to fill them out but let their students do it since "they will be on their own for the next four years."
And we wonder why so many college grads have no practical knowledge and a hard time surviving in the "real world." I read that 40% of our kids in their 20s and 30s who move out of the house later move back. So my advice to parents, if they really and truly want to help their kids grow up, is to LEAVE THEM ALONE! Let them muddle through the unknown, the new, the different. Let them fail! At orientation, they will learn about all kinds of counselors and advisors who can help them in both academics and campus life – parents need to tell their kids that this is the way to go. “
CARE PACKAGES
More than a few Moms cautioned against sending the pre-packaged C.A.R.E packages offered by some schools and internet sites, feeling they were a waste of money. “We started putting together a box of our son’s favorite noshing foods, whimsical trinkets, candies, homemade anything. The package arrived the week before exams. (Exam week they usually are too fried to enjoy the goodies.)
“Send enough food for the floor. It’s a way for them to share & make friends. Junk food is preferred. Healthy food will just rot in their rooms. I sent pizzas for the floor for her birthday @ 10 PM. Big hit. “
If you are sending cash (not a good idea) ensure it gets in their hands. True Story—I sent a box of brownies to my son via another visiting Mom and told him I was putting a note inside (to surprise him). In a burst of motherly love I even added some extra bills. My son had totally forgotten what I’d said and $300.00 ended up in the dumpster. Never again.
IF YOU VISIT
You are probably going to want to see where they live so brace yourself.
“My son and his roommate had what they proudly called “the pile.” It was a tangle of dirty and clean laundry on the floor. I never dug down to see what else was living there.”
“Resist picking up his roommates tooth brush that has been under the bed since October. Turn around & know their immune systems are better than ours.”
While you are there you may want to find a local storage place for some of the belongings to save on lugging home too much stuff at the end of the year.
WHEN THEY COME HOME
Just when you have adjusted to them being gone, they come home. Margaret wrote…“All of a sudden everything feels discombobulated and LOUD!!! On top of that, the first few times home, Ben always acted like he didn't like the rules at our hotel... we had to explain he couldn’t stay up all night like at school. We had to re-set the house rules.”
A parent who sent one child to college and one to the military offers this advice….”Be ready to support your kid when he or she comes home by keeping their room intact. Don’t plan your new office or guest room just yet. They need to see its still their “home.”
WHAT I TOLD MY SON
The letter I gave to my son when he left for school was cathartic to write. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but also give him some practical and wise advice. These were my main points:
Be True to Yourself
Dream Big
Make Smart Choices
Learn From Your Mistakes
Stick up for the Underdog
Be in Contact
Take Advantage of these Four years
We Are Here for You
Have Fun
You’ll have your own version of this advice -- and they may never listen—but at least you’ll feel better.
OK—the big day has arrived (or almost). Know that you have done your job. Your goal is for them to be happy, safe, well-adjusted and content. As you pull away from campus after hugs and good byes, it's going to be up to that son or daughter to make proper decisions and to move in the right direction.
Although your job as a parent continues -- --- you will no longer have the same power to fix things or influence them on a daily basis. Their new friends and the entire college experience will shape them. All we can really do is hope for the very best for our adult child.
So what can you expect, how should you behave and what might surprise you? Here are some nuggets of advice from parents who have been there:
- A lot of emotions will be swirling in the weeks leading up to the drop off. In order to channel this, I ended up working on a letter to my son with some life advice he would have rolled his eyes at in person. Many other Moms wrote me that they did this too. My letter became a place I could put my thoughts instead of constantly voicing my feelings and advice in the weeks before he left. I left the letter on his college desk. Of course, weeks later he still hadn’t mentioned it !!!!!
- You may have visions of a nice, quiet meal together the night before drop-off, but it may not work out that way. Be prepared for them to just go off on their own when you arrive and they start meeting people.
- Have the important or emotional conversations before drop off -- I loved this anecdote….. “We stayed overnight on the big weekend and planned to take Jack to breakfast and give him the "we are proud of you speech." He came out to the car the next morning and told us he was invited to the breakfast diner with Bambi and Kiki, and hoped that we have a good drive back home.”
- The night before we left I whipped up a quadruple batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies to leave in my son’s dorm room. That Tupperware container got passed all around the dorm floor while kids and parents were moving in. Food can be a great connector.
- Ensure that your child has read the policies on drinking and what happens should they get busted. Each campus has very different rules and consequences. Many colleges require kids to read and sign a form.
- It’s important to have the “binge drinking” conversation at some point. Newfound freedoms can result in totally new behavior. Make sure your child knows that if someone has passed out from drinking, never let them lie down. Roll them on their side or stomach or force them to a sitting position and call 911 no matter how illegal the circumstances.
FOR THE HOMESICK CHILD (AND YOU)
Look at the calendar and mentally break the academic year into chunks of 6 or 8 weeks between the various long and short breaks or visits from you: Mid semester, Parents Weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. This is also helpful
for the family that misses their child! They are home way more than you imagine.
SETTING UP THE ROOM
Parents offered conflicting advice on room set-up. Some of it depended on gender. But again, you know your kid best.
One piece of advice was universal -- Get to the dorm as soon as it’s legal. The early bird actually does get the best bunk. If you lose out, you can suggest switching at the end of first semester.
- Be prepared for aggressive parents who might have a different style. One Mom wrote -- “I moved Anna into a room for three girls. We were not supposed to go to the room until 10:00 am Sunday morning. But one girl and her mother-from-hell managed to get in the night before and they made up the single room bed with her stuff and took over the drawers they wanted. Nice start! I wanted to rip their faces off--but I held my tongue.”
“Setting up the room with my daughter took us almost an entire day to get it just right. My son took 2 hours!!”
“When you arrive at college with your new student, don't stick around. Be ready to leave when it’s time to go. Let them set up their own rooms including making their own beds. They love that you've helped, now move along so they can get down to settling in their way and meet new friends.”
“Busy yourself in the room making the bed - it will be the last time it will have clean sheets until spring when you rip them off and throw them out. I told my son that his face will break out in massive zits if he didn't change the pillow case. So maybe that means it made to the wash three times?”
- Be as neutral as possible with comments about the roommate(s). Not over or underfriendly. Let them navigate their own way.
- Introduce yourself to the resident advisor, (RA) these days they are more cop than friend but it can’t hurt to know their name if there are ever any problems.
SOME FINAL WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THEM
• Meet your professors. They are people. They can help you. Someday you will need a recommendation. You might actually like them.
• Contact your professor if you’re sick to let them know why you are missing their class.
• If you’re sick, go to the health center. You are paying for it – use it.
• Sleep at night. Do not stay up until 5 and expect to be at full capacity.
• Be open to meeting people. If your school has a Greek system, go through rush just to meet people. Go to concerts and sporting events. Get out of your room.
• If you’re having trouble academically, let your parents know. Do NOT wait until they receive a letter in the mail informing them of your loss of scholarship.
THE FINAL GOOD BYE
Be ready to get teary, but try to hold off actual full-on sobbing until you are alone in the car. You don’t want to have them lose “street cred” by making them tear up too.
On drop-off day, I had expected to stay into the afternoon and attend an ice cream party for freshman kids and parents. My husband had left earlier and so it was just the two of us at the party. While my son was being polite, I could tell he was chomping at the bit to be set “free” from the parental/child conversation and go off with his new roommate. I ended up leaving campus 2 hours earlier than planned. He walked me to the car, I fought back tears, put on the shades and with a big hug, was out of there. You will know when its time to go. Be prepared to be flexible.
Lastly, the trip home will be long. A few Moms described needing to pull over to the side of the road to cry. Resist the urge to call them from the car. Let them call you if they want to hear your voice. My advice? Get a good book on tape.
August 17, 2010