PART THREE-- LIFE AFTER COLLEGE DROP OFF

Many parents are taken by surprise by how "plain old sad" they feel in the aftermath of a child’s departure.  When the first kid goes off to college, your own parents ( the college kid's grandparents) are most likely more fragile or have died.  That may add an intensity to the sense of loss for the sandwich generation. Younger children left behind are readjusting and going through their own emotions.   And of course some siblings are quietly celebrating.

There is no question that the dinner table dynamics will be completely different.

So, after drop off, book a spa appointment ahead of time, a lunch with girlfriends, plan a big family dinner or even a get-away.  One Mom reported taking a weekend trip with the sibling at home to make them feel special in the wake of her son’s absence.

Hard as it may be—most parents suggested to wait for your kid to call you. It means they are in a talkative mood and you won't have to play 20 questions.

From one Mom… “texting is a great way to say hi ... they can respond when they want and no one has to know its their Mom.” 

“I made limited phone calls.  It was impossible to know when he was studying, in class or out w/friends and didn't want to be bugged by his mom.  I was the QUEEN of mom texting. Random. Every day. Always short. A lot of love. And funny.  A line from a movie we'd seen together.  The mundane stuff like what I cooked for dinner--or who was at the grocery.  All the little pieces of our life that we always shared..we were just doing it in a different way.”

One parent/psychologist suggested “Don’t keep telling your kid that this is going to be the best time of their lives (even though it will be).  The first months are the toughest times in many ways... making decisions on their own, meeting all new friends, hard work, no family...It almost sets them up to feel as if they are losers for not feeling like this is the best time ever.”

Make sure you have your child’s permission to log onto to his school account so you can see his grades and progress.  It's snooping, but not snooping, especially when you are paying the bills. 

DON’T BE A HELICOPTOR PARENT

Experts caution not to swoop in to save the day once they are on campus.  Let you child tough it out with money, bad grades, etc.  If they run into "trouble", encourage them to use the university's resourceful and trained faculty and staff.  It's not abandonment; it's empowerment.  College is a time for them to learn about the difficult choices adults need to make, and to do it without feeling alone. 

  
Anna Quinlan’s advice to me is one of my favorites – “When we dropped our daughter at Kenyon they gave us a card with the words "What are YOU going to do about that problem?"  They suggested we put it by the phone and read it when our kid called complaining about the roommate/the courses/the food/the advisor.  There's way too much parental involvement at a time designed for separation.  Parents today call the provost to complain about a grade on a daughter's paper, or the president to talk about a room assignment.  It's insane.“

One father advised, "listen, more than talk" and above all else, "do not lecture". When the phone call with a sad voice comes, and it will, steel yourself to be a listener not a savior.  In the end, tell your child that you trust that they will make the right decision for themselves.

I liked one parent’s 24 hour rule.  “If your child calls home with a “crisis,”  roommate problems, locked out, etc., wait 24 hours.  Then call them and most of the time they will have forgotten all about it.”

Mark Horowitz who lectures regularly about parenting through this stage of life offers this real world anecdote:

“When I took my son to college we saw his room mate sitting on the bed, while his "Mommy" was folding his underwear and socks and putting them in the top drawer of a dresser (a place the kid won't go to for the next 6 months!).  "Daddy" was filling out forms after all parents were instructed NOT to fill them out but let their students do it since "they will be on their own for the next four years."  

And we wonder why so many college grads have no practical knowledge and a hard time surviving in the "real world."  I read that 40% of our kids in their 20s and 30s who move out of the house later move back.  So my advice to parents, if they really and truly want to help their kids grow up, is to LEAVE THEM ALONE! Let them muddle through the unknown, the new, the different.  Let them fail!  At orientation, they will learn about all kinds of counselors and advisors who can help them in both academics and campus life – parents need to tell their kids that this is the way to go. “

CARE PACKAGES

More than a few Moms cautioned against sending the pre-packaged C.A.R.E packages offered by some schools and internet sites, feeling they were a waste of money.  “We started putting together a box of our son’s favorite noshing foods, whimsical trinkets, candies, homemade anything. The package arrived the week before exams. (Exam week they usually are too fried to enjoy the goodies.)

“Send enough food for the floor. It’s a way for them to share & make friends. Junk food is preferred. Healthy food will just rot in their rooms. I sent pizzas for the floor for her birthday @ 10 PM. Big hit. “

If you are sending cash (not a good idea) ensure it gets in their hands.  True Story—I sent a box of brownies to my son via another visiting Mom and told him I was putting a note inside (to surprise him).  In a burst of motherly love I even added some extra bills.  My son had totally forgotten what I’d said and $300.00 ended up in the dumpster.  Never again.

IF YOU VISIT

You are probably going to want to see where they live so brace yourself.

“My son and his roommate had what they proudly called “the pile.” It was a tangle of dirty and clean laundry on the floor.  I never dug down to see what else was living there.”

“Resist picking up his roommates tooth brush that has been under the bed since October. Turn around & know their immune systems are better than ours.”

While you are there you may want to find a local storage place for some of the belongings to save on lugging home too much stuff at the end of the year.

WHEN THEY COME HOME

Just when you have adjusted to them being gone, they come home.   Margaret wrote…“All of a sudden everything feels discombobulated and LOUD!!!  On top of that, the first few times home, Ben always acted like he didn't like the rules at our hotel... we had to explain he couldn’t stay up all night like at school.  We had to re-set the house rules.”

A parent who sent one child to college and one to the military offers this advice….”Be ready to support your kid when he or she comes home by keeping their room intact.  Don’t plan your new office or guest room just yet.  They need to see its still their “home.”

WHAT I TOLD MY SON

The letter I gave to my son when he left for school was cathartic to write.  I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but also give him some practical and wise advice.  These were my main points:

Be True to Yourself

Dream Big

Make Smart Choices

Learn From Your Mistakes

Stick up for the Underdog

Be in Contact

Take Advantage of these Four years

We Are Here for You

Have Fun

You’ll have your own version of this advice  -- and they may never listen—but at least you’ll feel better.

COLLEGE DROP-OFF DAY -- PART 2

OK—the big day has arrived (or almost).  Know that you have done your job.  Your goal is for them to be happy, safe, well-adjusted and content. As you pull away from campus after hugs and good byes, it's going to be up to that son or daughter to make proper decisions and to move in the right direction.

Although your job as a parent continues -- ---  you will no longer have the same power to fix things or influence them on a daily basis. Their new friends and the entire college experience will shape them.  All we can really do is hope for the very best for our adult child.

So what can you expect, how should you behave and what might surprise you?  Here are some nuggets of advice from parents who have been there:

-       A lot of emotions will be swirling in the weeks leading up to the drop off.  In order to channel this, I ended up working on a letter to my son with some life advice he would have rolled his eyes at in person.  Many other Moms wrote me that they did this too.  My letter became a place I could put my thoughts instead of constantly voicing my feelings and advice in the weeks before he left.  I left the letter on his college desk.  Of course, weeks later he still hadn’t mentioned it !!!!!

- You may have visions of a nice, quiet meal together the night before drop-off, but it may not work out that way.  Be prepared for them to just go off on their own when you arrive and they start meeting people.

- Have the important or emotional conversations before drop off  -- I loved this anecdote….. “We stayed overnight on the big weekend and planned to take Jack to breakfast and give him the "we are proud of you speech."  He came out to the car the next morning and told us he was invited to the breakfast diner with Bambi and Kiki, and hoped that we have a good drive back home.”

- The night before we left I whipped up a quadruple batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies to leave in my son’s dorm room. That Tupperware container got passed all around the dorm floor while kids and parents were moving in.  Food can be a great connector.

-       Ensure that your child has read the policies on drinking and what happens should they get busted. Each campus has very different rules and consequences.   Many colleges require kids to read and sign a form.

-       It’s important to have the “binge drinking” conversation at some point.  Newfound freedoms can result in totally new behavior.  Make sure your child knows that if someone has passed out from drinking, never let them lie down.  Roll them on their side or stomach or force them to a sitting position and call 911 no matter how illegal the circumstances.

FOR THE HOMESICK CHILD  (AND YOU)

Look at the calendar and mentally break the academic year into chunks of 6 or 8 weeks between the various long and short breaks or visits from you: Mid semester, Parents Weekend, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. This is also helpful

for the family that misses their child!  They are home way more than you imagine.

SETTING UP THE ROOM

Parents offered conflicting advice on room set-up.  Some of it depended on gender.  But again, you know your kid best.

One piece of advice was universal -- Get to the dorm as soon as it’s legal.  The early bird actually does get the best bunk.  If you lose out, you can suggest switching at the end of first semester.

-       Be prepared for aggressive parents who might have a different style.   One Mom wrote -- “I moved Anna into a room for three girls. We were not supposed to go to the room until 10:00 am Sunday morning. But one girl and her mother-from-hell managed to get in the night before and they made up the single room bed with her stuff and took over the drawers they wanted. Nice start! I wanted to rip their faces off--but I held my tongue.”

 “Setting up the room with my daughter took us almost an entire day to get it just right.  My son took 2 hours!!”

“When you arrive at college with your new student, don't stick around. Be ready to leave when it’s time to go. Let them set up their own rooms including making their own beds. They love that you've helped, now move along so they can get down to settling in their way and meet new friends.”

“Busy yourself in the room making the bed - it will be the last time it will have clean sheets until spring when you rip them off and throw them out. I told my son that his face will break out in massive zits if he didn't change the pillow case.  So maybe that means it made to the wash three times?”

-       Be as neutral as possible with comments about the roommate(s). Not over or underfriendly.  Let them navigate their own way.

-       Introduce yourself to the resident advisor, (RA) these days they are more cop than friend but it can’t hurt to know their name if there are ever any problems.

SOME FINAL WORDS OF WISDOM FOR THEM

•            Meet your professors.  They are people.  They can help you.  Someday you will need a recommendation.  You might actually like them.

•            Contact your professor if you’re sick to let them know why you are missing their class.

•            If you’re sick, go to the health center.  You are paying for it – use it.

•            Sleep at night.  Do not stay up until 5 and expect to be at full capacity.

•            Be open to meeting people.  If your school has a Greek system, go through rush just to meet people.  Go to concerts and sporting events.  Get out of your room.

•            If you’re having trouble academically, let your parents know.  Do NOT wait until they receive a letter in the mail informing them of your loss of scholarship. 

THE FINAL GOOD BYE

Be ready to get teary, but try to hold off actual full-on sobbing until you are alone in the car.  You don’t want to have them lose “street cred” by making them tear up too. 

On drop-off day, I had expected to stay into the afternoon and attend an ice cream party for freshman kids and parents.  My husband had left earlier and so it was just the two of us at the party.   While my son was being polite, I could tell he was chomping at the bit to be set “free” from the parental/child conversation and go off with his new roommate. I ended up leaving campus 2 hours earlier than planned.  He walked me to the car, I fought back tears, put on the shades and with a big hug, was out of there.  You will know when its time to go.  Be prepared to be flexible.

Lastly, the trip home will be long.  A few Moms described needing to pull over to the side of the road to cry.  Resist the urge to call them from the car.  Let them call you if they want to hear your voice.  My advice? Get a good book on tape.

Preparing to Send a Kid to College - Part 1

Last summer I did a segment for “Good Morning America” on sending your first child off to college.  I canvassed friends and strangers for their best advice and got an overwhelming response.  The end result was really more of a video diary.  My college bound son forbid me to put him on camera, so I documented the parent’s end of it; the shopping, packing, drop-off, the giant Jackie O sunglasses to hide the tears on the pivotal day.

Sending a kid off to college—especially the first child—is a milestone.  And what I realized in the process was that it was just as much about me as it was about losing him. My son is pretty independent and not overly communicative, so I was prepared for this to feel like part of an evolutional process.  I was blindsided by the complicated tangle of emotions I felt as the big day got closer.

I zig-zagged between contemplating the changing dynamics of the house, how time had flown, how old I was, and the hope that his Dad and I had truly given him our best stuff.  All of this was mixed with anger and frustration at how completely self-absorbed he was in those last weeks.

Be kind to yourself right about now if you are feeling an emotional cocktail.  And give them a little slack if they appear clueless and callous as they prepare to cut the cord.

This summer, friends have asked me to share these tips again and I decided it was time for a blog that would go into a little more depth, offer up some of the spot-on anecdotes and quotes from other parents, as well as what I now know.

The number one rule for ALL of this advice is that YOU know your kid best.  If you have a talker or an introvert, a kid prone to homesickness or Miss Independence, you’ll be able to apply that filter to all of the advice offered below.

Part one of this blog will start with the preparation.  If you haven’t begun already, it’s time to lay some groundwork and begin assembling that pile of items in the corner of the room. 

WHAT TO BRING

-       The advice I heard over and over was…… DO NOT BRING TOO MUCH JUNK TO COLLEGE! There are big differences in what and how much boys and girls bring to college—but all of us over pack and over purchase.  Remember that your child can buy items with friends when they get there—think of it as a bonding experience!  

- Start now. Make a checklist.  If you have a kid who doesn’t love shopping—like I do -- get the small, boring necessities on your own and save the more “fun” stuff like sheets and clothes to do with him.

- Pack things in duffel bags, garbage bags or collapsible carriers as there won’t be room to store luggage in the dorm rooms.

- Beyond the obvious like clothing, laundry basket and toiletries—these are some additional popular key items you may not have thought of:

- Approved power strip, shower caddy, flip flops for bathroom, first aid kit, new mattress pad (some recommend the egg crate version)

- Make sure your twin sheets are XL for dorm room mattresses.  

- A fan for air and white noise in the dorm

-  A laptop computer lock and external hard drive to back-up information.   My son’s computer crashed in the fall and he lost a term paper.

- Smaller sized Britta water filtration system—cheaper than plastic bottles, no hauling cases and better for the environment

-       A small touch light (or light up mirror for girls) offers a way to walk in the room after hours without flipping on the overhead lights.

-       Instant breakfast food; breakfast  bars, oatmeal packets mean they can grab something quick before class if they won’t get up for the dining hall breakfast.

      - 3M picture fastener strips for photos since most dorms don’t allow nails.

-       More than one parent suggested to leave the X-box etc at home.  “They can bring it once they pay for the tuition & all expenses. They still play games on the internet.”

Stores like Homegoods “Back to Campus” program or  “Bed, Bath and Beyond’s  “We Love College” program making shopping simple with prepared checklists, discounts and the ability to ship to the dorm.  You can scan items in at your local store or choose on-line and they’ll be there when you arrive.

THE FINANCES

  - Figure out how you are going to handle money issues with your child ahead of time.  Most parents report that it’s best to have some kind of a budget with your kid and let them manage it.  You may want to cover how much they will get in allowance, who's paying for books, dry cleaning, entertainment and spring break!  

 - You may or may not need to open a checking account in the college town. Kids write very few, if any, checks on campus these days. 

- We gave our son a credit card linked to ours as well as a debit card, linked to our checking account so we could each track expenditures.  This also allowed us to transfer money to his account.  Even on a budget—emergencies do pop up.

THE MEDICAL STUFF 

- Take your child for their health check-up before you go and fill any prescriptions ahead of time.  Make sure that if birth control is in the mix, they have what they need.  Come prepared!

- Investigate the local ERs, hospitals and health centers on or near campus before you go.

- Check out your personal health insurance policy as it applies to a college-aged child.   We were required to call our insurance company when our son turned 19 to keep him on the plan.   Who knew?

- If your child has a particular medical issue that requires a specialist, get the name of an appropriate local doctor that accepts your insurance before your child gets to school.  

THE ROOMATE SITUATION 

 
- Thanks to social networking, most kids have already gone on Facebook or MySpace to meet one another before they get to school.  My son had worked out who was bringing the TV and who had the fridge before summer started.

- Remain as neutral as possible about the prospective roommate(s).  Keep your trap shut when you see naked jello shooter pictures posted on their Facebook page.  You don’t know how their relationship will play out and you don’t want your remarks to haunt you.

BASIC SURVIVAL SKILLS

Don’t assume anything.  Just because your kid knows runs a load of laundry at home doesn’t mean he’ll know how to put quarters in the washer or balance a checking account. I was stunned a few months ago when my 16 year old put the stamp on the wrong corner of the letter!  These are still adolescent brains.

-      Teach your child how to do laundry if they don’t already do it.  Send them with quarters but most schools have a “school card” that you can electronically add money to and can be used for sundries, food and laundry on campus.

-      Learn how to text message or IM– be mentally prepared to not call too often, let them call you when they want to talk, get advice or miss home.  Let it happen on their terms.

-       Learn how to Skype – that way you can check in on your kid visually;  although you may not want a visual after a night of fraternity parties.

-  Make sure your child has the services he needs ahead of time.  If your child has a learning disability, ensure they are certified for extra time before you arrive.   

RANDOM PRACTICAL ADVICE 

- Keep student’s passport current at home (yes, they may be invited to go overseas on short notice)!

- Get a duplicate driver’s license to keep at home (“Mom, I can’t find my ID and am not sure if the airline will let me go through security tomorrow without it”).  FedEx is your friend.

- Xerox the contents of your kid’s wallet and give them a copy as well as keep one at home.  This will make life so much easier if they lose their wallet.

- Make sure they have their cell phone contacts backed up on their computer.  It seems like a no-brainer, but my son had everything programmed only in his phone and lost his cell the first week of school.  

 -  You know your kid when it comes to food, but if he or she is living on campus, purchase the full meal plan for the first semester and then reassess.   Many times kids don't wake up for breakfast or they don't eat any meal before noon on Saturday or Sundays so why pay for them?  You can request a reduction second semester and save some money. 

 - Look into tuition insurance if you like to have a safety net.  You never know what life brings; mono, death of a loved one, depression, the list is long and if a child has to “stop out” for a period of time, you are covered!

- If your child has a list of textbooks ahead of time, you can buy them online before you get to school. There can be a dramatic price difference is.  One of the best sites which shows all textbook prices is http://www.directtextbook.com

- Book accommodations today for parents weekend (freshman year may be the only time you go).  If your kid is a plane flight away—book those holiday weekends home for him now.

Next up?  We’re going to tackle what you need to know for the actual drop-off.  The best advice from parents who’ve been there.