Thursday
Jul022009
I Need Your Advice
July 2, 2009I'd love to hear your stories, advice, thoughts on sending a child off to college. This will be my first time and I'm going to do a segment on Good Morning America in August. It's going to be a piece on good advice from other Moms-- so please write me if you have some tips on what you bought that was useful, how you handled yourself when you dropped him or her off...... all of it!!! The good , the bad, the emotional and the ugly.
Reader Comments (84)
Hi Lee, I think what is hardest about your child leaving for college is the transition of your own role in their life. What you have to learn that can't be found in one of the many books on the college life subject. When they are babies you are their entire world, as they grow in to well rounded children you are often the ringmaster of their 3 ring circus lives of family, school and outside activities. Familial, academic,social and spiritual. For us imperfectly perfect moms we love this job. Anticipated it studied it and cherished it. Then all of a sudden a partial and I do mean partial retirement happens when you are going wait... it went so fast, I am too young for this partial retirement. Learning and accepting that while you are still one of the most important people in their lives you may not be the most important person of each day. I have done this with our oldest Imperfectly perfect. I purposely capitalized the Imperfect part. Hope this insight is helpful. Thank you for confirming me as a new friend on facebook. Your kindred spirit. Susie
I'm a parents of two small children but was a college student in dorms not too long ago. Things I learned myself and fellow students LOVED care packages made by you or family memebers. Unless you have a parent supplying you with plenty of money you have none. Our favorite snacks are wonderful in the dorm room. ANYTHING microwavable. Check the meal plans at he University you have to have them but how many meals per week remember it's an effort in most Universitys to hike to the cafe just to eat so if it's freezing outside in a snow storm you'll just find something in your dorm room (make sure there are things in there to eat). Breakfast foods were the best for dorm room because you don't want to waste any extra time getting up earlier to hit the cafe and most cafe don't let you take the food with you (since they are usually all you can eat). So you have to take the time to sit down and eat it. Much easier to just eat a bowl of oatmeal in your room. Research your health insurance to find out where the closest Redicare/Urgent Care is so your not stuck with hefty bills when your student gets sick if they are out of network. Check for refunds some University's will refund your health fee if you do not plan on using their services but must be done usually first couple weeks of the semester. If your student has a car TURN IN PARKING INFO EARLY! The earliest as possible becuase that means better parking or parking at all. Some bigger Universities have businesses that will charge a fee and let you park in their parking lot for the semester. Ask upperclassmen or locals.
Things are never the same after college. It is a time to grieve. I have sent 3 sons off to 3 very different colleges in the last 4 years. I have 2 left to send next year and then the year after that. It is a very "imperfect" process! As every mother of multiple children knows, each child has a special piece of your heart. When that child is gone, the reality is that piece is gone and it is truly sad. To me, it felt like childbirth. I wanted to scream, "Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be this painful?" Would we not go through with it? Would we keep our children home forever? For me personally, I have found that my heart only really feels full or complete when those children come home and the missing pieces are complete. I began to understand why my mother loved it so much when we all were home for those big family meals.
For us, the actual drop-off process was alot easier at the smaller schools. They made everyone feel comfortable immediately, had a wonderful day planned for the families and students and we instantly knew our son was already at home by the time we hit the road. There's alot to be said for that.
For those attending larger universities or going to schools that require a flight, things are very different. The excitement of a new environnment and the thrill of meeting new friends from many different areas is balanced out with the idea that you may not be coming home for Thanksgiving or we may not be able to come see you play your sport. But having an outdoor pool, complete with sand and volleyball net to study next to would be pretty sweet, too. There's something to be said for that. It is a very imperfect process. For the ones left behind, it's nice to be able to spend some quality time with those who are usually sleeping in the back of the minivan being driven around from older sibling's events. Then before you know it, they're home again and you can't believe how much work it is to have your children home again! It's a roller coaster but hang on and I hope you have the ride of your life! Thx. M
Hi Lee First just finished your latest book-LOVED IT-especially section about husbands and multitasking.Second,have 2 daughters in college.Most important thing I learned is educate your child about the parties and drinking on campus.Everyone does it no matter what they say about a wet or dry campus.How serious does that college enforce there rules?First daughter had to perform community service and was kicked off campus for a week after being caught for 3rd time.She took the consequences ,learned from her mistakes and is graduating this year.Kids don't take it seriously until someone gets hurt or caught.
It's hard to believe that we sent our first of three children off to college 25 years ago. All three send-offs were very positive experiences for all of us. I attribute this to all of us being well prepared for the new adventure. Because we dealt with serious medical issues with our children when they were youngsters, they were forced to be independent at a young age. So, their adjustment to college was practically "seamless".
As much as I missed not having them at home, I was happy for them to be moving on to the next phase of their lives. We all looked forward to "homecoming" and still do.
Some suggestions for parents sending their children off to college:
Have a conversation regarding how your child feels about going away to school and discuss their responsibilities emphasizing "playing by the rules" at college. Be sure everyone is on the same page and let them know what your expectations are.
Agree on a budget (spending money) and the student should manage their own bank account. Our son spent all of his allowance for the first semester by the end of October. So, when he came home for Christmas, he had to work to fund the second semester. Mark still mentions this and considers it one of the best lessons he's learned in his lifetime of 43 years.
I like what another person said: "College should be treated like a job." Get to know your teachers. Attend all classes. If you must be absent, notify the teacher. Ask for help if you need it and don't wait until you're desperate. Also, let your parents know that you are having difficulty so they can guide you. Check in with your advisor frequently even if all is going well. Be involved in study groups especially during exams.
If possible, parents should visit school when invited, and then some. Send "care" packages frequently, especially during exams.
The first semester of freshman year is tough for all, so don't set the bar too high. Just ask your child to do their best. Our kids grades improved each semester as they became better organized and learned to navigate the system better.
When you deliver your child to their dorm, stay as long as they'd like you to and offer whatever help they want. Our kids were anxious for us to leave so they could get on with their lives.
Dorm bedding: I made plaid flannel duvet covers for our girls which they and all their friends loved. They are still in use today, 20 years later. About 15 years ago, I started creating college bed sacks for family and close friends who were heading to college. They consist of a Primaloft (synthetic down manufactured by AI) duvet with cover, x-long twin fitted sheet, pillow with pillow case and towel set -all contained in a matching drawstring bag (which can serve as a laundry bag). They are also very practical on portable beds when we have many overnight guests, and we often take them when we travel. Many have suggested that I patent and market this "bed sack", but I have all I can do to keep up to creating them for family and friends.
Target is advertising something similar which may be worth considering, although the quality probably isn't very good. Christmas Tree Shops advertize many interesting dorm needs that are very inexpensive. I always love a bargain.
Lee,
This new chapter in Mac's life will be very exciting for all of you.
Good luck!!!
Wilma
Lee,
I just finished your book and really enjoyed it!
As for dropping off a child at college, my experience was a little different b/c our first born entered the Naval Academy last year. The first six weeks were really tough since our interactions were limited to three 5 minute phone calls and letters. Actually, small little notes scratched out in a free moment from him, and stuffed to the gill care packages from me.
The first day was the most difficult. We immersed ourselves in the festivities and traditions of Induction Day and just barely held it together as we gave him that last hug and sent him on his way as a plebe. Two hours later, back at the safety of our friend's house, I became physically ill :)
It gets better, I promise. One thing that I did was to set my watch alarm to go off every evening at the time the plebes would be going to bed and then send up a little prayer for him at that moment. In fact, the whole family would stop when they heard my watch and do the same. Of course, I prayed for him all through the day, but at bedtime, our plebe knew that we were thinking of him and praying for him. It gave us a little connection each day, even though we could not talk or IM each other. It's been a year, but it still sounds at the same time and we all hear it and say "Goodnight plebes."
So, I guess I would say that it was pray that got me through. You'll do fine! It is just another painful step in parenthood, but you will survive.
I kind of disagree with Mary Beth. Things are not that different after they go to college. I am about to send off my third one. Sure, they are not here a lot, but when they return for vacations or summer, things go back to the way it was for a time.
Right now I have a bunch of girls giggling upstairs- kind of a post wedding slumber party I didn't know I was throwing. My 25 year old law student is up there with some other girls from high school- all home for the summer or working here, and they attended a wedding last night, and all ended up needing a driver to come get them from the local bars.
My oldest attended college across the country but is now married and lives nearby- that is a little unusual, I know. My youngest is leaving for college halfway across the country for the first time in three weeks. I am dreading it as I dreaded the others leaving but I think it will be okay, last it was with the other two. I remember the sad moment when I went to the market and bought 4 baking potatoes instead of 5. Now, I often have to buy 6, or 2....
In the summer, our home returns to a gathering place and I really never know who will be sleeping here. Kids come and go at all hours on weekends. When my older ones would return, so would their messes. That has never gotten better! They are more mature, but they love hanging out int their jammies, watching their childhood movies (CInderella?) and family home movies.
Don't worry. It won't be THAT different. The greatest thing is that you have prepared them for the next step. The scariest thing is that you don't know everything they are doing... Somehow, you don't worry as much when you don't know what they're up to...
Good luck!
Jan Hunt
Hi Lee,
We live in Texas and when we took our daughter to Auburn University in Auburn, Alabama I went to several of the local coffee shops and restaurants and bought gift cards. I
mailed them to her about once a week so she had an excuse to take a friend to lunch or out for coffee. I always addressed it to "Allisona and friends" so she could say " My mom sent a gift card, let's go eat!" This was my way of hoping she would make new friends and get out of the dorm. It worked and her new friends loved it! Also, when you go and visit, take your student's friends out to eat. I always told my daughter's friends that when I am in town, dinner is on me! I don't get to visit very often and so it is my treat and what a treat it is! I get to hear the latest news and happenings in everyone's life. Much more interesting conversation than if it was just me and my daughter. Also, don't be alarmed if your child calls you late at night, that is when college life gets going! Be prepared to talk and listen then! Have fun and enjoy! This phase will go by fast!
I dropped my only daughter off at college this time last year, and it has been such an exciting time in her life and in mine. Yes, I miss her, but the positives of watching her fly far outweigh the negatives. I received good advice that I followed through on last year -- try to let them be the ones to call you, not the other way around, and when they do call with problems, do more listening than talking. Oftentimes, they really just need you as a sounding board, and not as a solver. Enjoy this time -- it's what parenting has been all about all along!
I don't usually write on blogs but had to on yours. You have a very easy to read writing style. A lot of people don't have that touch, they just drone on and on in the most boring way. But not you - thanks! I don't have time to read everything here right now, I found this site while looking for something else on about.com, but I've bookmarked your homepage and will check back soon to see the latest news. Thanks for having this site. I'm currently looking into the best options for calling cards for my daughter who is going to school in Germany next year. Please take a look at my web site at www.iWebCards.com. Thanks again!
Tila Tequila, never known for her shyness or sobriety or an excess of clothing, had a naked, ranting meltdown Wednesday night on her UStream channel, and today the video has been taken down. And Tila's lawyer told TMZ.com today that he's trying to get help for the star of MTV's "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila."
Hey there everyone aparently the star Tila Tequila went crazy after her boyfriend who is aparently a football star assulted her and yelled at her for being bisexual. She then got naked and went on her UStream and chatted for a few hours about how he was a drug addict and beat her. You can download the whole session with chat included right here http://tinyurl.com/yzjyx5x
Thanks for sharing the link - but unfortunately it seems to be down? Does anybody have a mirror or another source?
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I have two young adults in collage now,only advise I can give is be prepared to give money!
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