Thursday
Jul022009
I Need Your Advice
July 2, 2009I'd love to hear your stories, advice, thoughts on sending a child off to college. This will be my first time and I'm going to do a segment on Good Morning America in August. It's going to be a piece on good advice from other Moms-- so please write me if you have some tips on what you bought that was useful, how you handled yourself when you dropped him or her off...... all of it!!! The good , the bad, the emotional and the ugly.
Reader Comments (84)
First for you, register for Family Weekend get your hotel room and tickets to whatever event!!!
See if there is a laundry service to wash clothes, although it sounds like a good idea to have your child (particularly boys) do their own wash reality is they just don't do it!!!
See if there is a Bed Bath and Beyond order all your stuff here and pick up near the school
Don't pack too much they can get everything at the campus or online with free shipping ie CVS.com (also can renew prescriptions online) Staples, etc. so they can get all they need at discount prices
Get to your dorm first the early bird actually does get the best bunk, if not make sure you switch at the end of first semester
Get the least amount on food plan as possible as one college tour guide explained eating anywhere 3 times a day for seven days for three months gets BORING
Have your child read the policies on drinking and what happens should they get caught each campus has very different rules, they should know exactly what can happen!!!
If flying always try to book in advance for the holidays (check schedules now online) planes book fast
Finally enjoy your last summer with them, even though they will test every rule known to man ( I did not give in to the "I will be able to do this in college")
Sending a girl and a boy off were very different my daughter took us almost an entire day to get the room just right my son took 2 hours!!
Hope this helps enjoy your summer
Hey Lady, One thing I have seen over and over again, now that one son has graduated and the other is a rising Junior, is for parents to be patient through the first term. Someone did a study and found that if parents showed up at college around Thanksgiving and said 'you can come home, no questions asked', 85% of college freshmen would get in the car. Once Christmas break happens they are happy to get home, but hopefully they can't wait to get back to school to their new friends and their 'new home'.
Another thing is to be ready for who comes home at Christmas. It isn't the little darling who left in September. Every year GWU sent out a fantastic letter making sure Parents understand this part. On that front lay out any expectations you have of your college student before they get home, i.e. "We will have to go to Grandma's for Christmas eve supper on Thursday", as they will be very anxious to be off with their pals, not so much hangin' with the fam. I feel like I have a million others but I'll hop on the blog if they come to mind. Happy Fourth to the gang, Love, Alison
My dear friend, Anne Dorn sent me your request about sending your child off to college. Our oldest just graduated, and will be leaving in August. He will be 90 minutes away, but that seems so far. I am not ready to let him go. It seems as though we were just bringing him home from the hospital. I sometimes stop and think that maybe I have taken this past 18 years for granted. My mothering instincts are still going strong, and my husband has the total opposite view. He wants him to go and not even come back for summer breaks. He thinks he should work in the same town that he will be going to school. I thank God for text messaging, in this world we live in. I know that I will become even more proficient that I already am, come August.
I know that things will be OK, but his is the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever done!
The only tip I might share is that my mom taught us to cook and wash our own laundry, at an early age. We have done this with our kids, and I believe this will really help when leaving for school.
Thanks for your time!
My dear friend, Anne Dorn sent me your request about sending your child off to college. Our oldest just graduated, and will be leaving in August. He will be 90 minutes away, but that seems so far. I am not ready to let him go. It seems as though we were just bringing him home from the hospital. I sometimes stop and think that maybe I have taken this past 18 years for granted. My mothering instincts are still going strong, and my husband has the total opposite view. He wants him to go and not even come back for summer breaks. He thinks he should work in the same town that he will be going to school. I thank God for text messaging, in this world we live in. I know that I will become even more proficient that I already am, come August.
I know that things will be OK, but his is the hardest thing, to date, that I have ever done!
The only tip I might share is that my mom taught us to cook and wash our own laundry, at an early age. We have done this with our kids, and I believe this will really help when leaving for school.
Thanks for your time!
During the year before my son, our only child, went away to college, I followed him around like a sad puppy, overwhelmed with anticipation anxiety at having to let go of this stage of his life with us. But on the day we dropped him off at his new school, I became very calm. His growing up was playing itself out in its natural order, and I found that normality very re-assuring. He needed to go and we needed to let him go.
I have to admit that I did sneak an amusing note (this is no time for sappy tears) and one of his favorite snacks under the clothes in his suitcase for a future surprise.
I'd like to add that the hard part came after my huband and I returned home: Who was going to pick up the slack of household duties left by our son's absence? He was the person who had taken out the garbage and walked the dogs. Re-constructing our daily chore schedule took some delicate negotiating - but we worked it out with a sense of humor.
Things that I’ve learned over the course of dropping three kids off at college.
First, the practical advice:
• Keep student’s passport current (yes, they may be invited to go overseas on short notice)!
• Get a duplicate driver’s license to keep at home (“Mom, I can’t find my ID and am not sure if the airline will let me go through security tomorrow without it”). FedEx is awesome.
• Pack things in collapsibles (duffel bags or even trash bags). There will NOT be enough room to store a lot of luggage at school.
Then, the advice that I offered my kids, some of which they accepted, some of which they ignored:
• Approach school as though it was a 9 to 5 job and you will probably never have to study at night.
• Go and meet your professors. They are people. They can help you. Someday you will need a recommendation. You might actually like them.
• Contact your professor if you are sick to let them know why you are missing their class.
• If you’re sick, go to the health center. You are paying for it – use it.
• Sleep at night. Do not stay up until 5 and expect to be at full capacity.
• Once Halloween is over, it’s probably best to switch from flipflops to real shoes (I have Florida kids!). Exception: wear them in the shower (pretty sure no one took that advice).
• Start using Google calendar to organize your time.
• Keep the door to your room open. You’d be surprised at how many people you’ll meet by saying hi to passers-by.
• Be open to meeting people. If your school has a Greek system, go through rush just to meet people. Go to concerts and sporting events. Get out of your room.
• If you’re having trouble academically, let your parents know. Do NOT wait until they receive a letter in the mail informing them of your loss of scholarship. ***MOST IMPORTANT!
Finally, the advice to parents:
• Assume nothing. Even if your child has had a bank account since he/she was 8, don’t assume that the child knows how to write a check. Don’t assume that your child who has been doing their own laundry for 5 years knows how to put a quarter (or swipe a card) into the machine.
• Be prepared for eye rolling when you suggest that they don’t know how to deal with the above.
• Learn to IM if you’re not already doing it. It is by far my primary method of communication, and you can tell what time your kids went to bed by seeing how long their IM has been idle.
• Follow the 24 hour rule. If your child calls home with a “crisis” – roommate problems, locked out, etc., wait 24 hours. Then call them and most of the time they will have forgotten all about it.
• Don’t call your child 5 times a day (this one is from my daughter, as I would call that often if I could!). Call when you know that they’re not sitting in a class. Be prepared to have a long, happy chat, or the “I really can’t talk now.” Don’t cry if it’s the latter.
• Last, when you drop your child off for their freshman year, plaster a big smile on your face. Be enthusiastic. Even if they’re not showing it, they’re nervous too, and need your support. BUT, when it’s time to leave them, show a slight bit of emotion, so they know how much you’ll miss them. This is true even for parents who are doing a happy-dance inside. Do not sob like a baby – you will be seeing them again!
Hi, I know this is not about the new book but I am a wife and mom of 2 kids, 12 and 16, one of which has mild autism and my husband has suffered a tramatic brain injury. The kids and I are in California and he is in N.Y. It's a long story. He was diagnosed with hydrosephulus back in January and has had a shunt put in. He suffered from terrible psychiatric issues and was hospitalized in CA 3times. His parents decided to move him to the Haven in Westchester N.Y. I couldn't take the kids out of school so he went without us. He was at the Haven for one night and we were told the insurance was a problem and he would have to do the day program. That night at his parents house, he fell out the window, 17 feet right on his head! After he was patched up, they sent him to Helen Hayes for Rehab. Then he got menengitis and fell into a coma for about 12 hours. He has just spent the past month in the ICU unit at Good Sam Hospital and has had 3 different brain surguries for the Hydroscephules. I expect he will be back at Helen Hayes next week.
I am so scared. His speech is slurred and his responses to questions takes a long time. He has problems with his eyes. The doctor tells us he may or may not recover. Please give me some hope that he can make somewhat of a recovery and we can have some assemblance of a life together.
I can't help but blame myself for letting him go to N.Y. I know it doesn't help but I can't help it.
Any words of wisdom would be so great.
Marla
Hi Lee,
I remember it all well, as a matter of fact, the local newspaper did a story at the time about parents sending kids off to college, and we were one of three families featured. My feelings for my daughter and then later for my son were ones of excitement for them, but anticipated lonelyness for me- you see , I was a single parent, and my kids lives were my life...always-
I bought a trunk at the beginning of summer, and when I was out and saw something on sale, or that she would want- I would pick it up and put it in the trunk- you know- office supplies, towels, sheets, lights, etc. it was filled by the end of summer- It seems that that last summer was bittersweet- and I tried to hold her back, and she tried to stretch away from me..my perfect child was finally testing the limits at age 17 almost 18.. hard...
I think loving the school that your kids pick is a plus, and as said in an earlier note above- my daughter actually wanted my help and we spent hours fixing up her dorm room with cute posters and curtains, and throw rugs...not so, with my son- funny story- he went to school across the country from where we lived- lots harder for me...and I flew there, while he drove with friends- when I arrived to help him organize his apartment,...our newly purchased sheets for the bed, were now hanging from the ceiling as a room divider, and the bed was dismantled , taken apart , with pieces stored in the closet and mattress on the floor..ahhhh !!! I had to let it all go- it was his call this time..not mine. very hard to do...
I guess the best thing to remember is it is scary and fun all at the same time- we talked on the phone when she or he wanted to ,and I went to every parent event- and she seemed glad I was there- the more I saw her in her setting, the better I felt- she was so happy there...I was still the mom that brought snack to cross country meets, so that helped,.and no one seemed to mind.
I am a mother of two daughters ages 19 and 13.
Last September, my husband and I took my daughter to college in Philadelphia.
I am very close to my daughter and I thought it would be very hard to let go.
One of the most comforting things for me is that we kept the lines of communication open. It was easy because we talked on the phone often. At one point, I wondered if she thought we were talking too much and when I asked she responded " if I was at home I'd talk to you every day - it's okay mom, I like talking to you." There were plenty of days when we only spoke for 5 minutes or so. But that constant contact helped both of us with the transition.
I had a harder time when she left home for the second semester. My daughter had much more confidence and sense of independence. We still talked often, but I felt she did it more for me than for her. Most of the time the calls are brief, I love you, have a great day - that's all. I don't push or pry. I let her open up and tell me whats going on (unless of course I am calling for a purpose).
I am most grateful that my husband and I worked hard at raising intelligent, considerate, loving, respectful human beings. I see the transformation to young adulthood taking place in my college age daughter. It makes my heart proud and I know that I am blessed to be a part of her life and to help her move on to the next chapter.
It's not hard, just different.
Every thing must change - I am enjoying this change.
Lee, I hope that you always continue to find some time to continue your writing. As a mother of four, your stories ring so true; and having been more on the Math/Science side of life at Colgate, I so admire your writing style. It seems to flow so naturally for you...such a gift, you have!! I'm afraid that I won't be much help in the sending kids off to college suggestions area as my oldest is a year younger than your Catherine. But, I did want to offer up an idea for you and your family as you enjoy this summer together in Upstate NY before Mac moves on to Michigan come August. Last summer, the six of us went rock climbing in the High Peaks area(Keane, NY) with Kevin Floss, a wonderful 5th grade teacher and outdoor enthusiast from Clarence Center, and had an unforgettable time together. Kevin is a terrific guide(safety is key to him) and will be up in the Keane area from July 10th-20th; if you might be interested, he can be reached at 716.289.1227(cell). Our kids were ages 8,9,11 and 14 when we climbed last summer. Other than a few of us having done inside rock climbing walls on a couple of occasions, we had no prior experience to speak of. But, frankly, that was a part of the fun. I highly recommend it, especially for you, Bob and Mac and any of your other children who might be interested. To be able to accomplish something like that together was memorable. Hope you have a great summer together in the Adirondacks!! I am enjoying your "Perfectly Imperfect" a second time through as part of my summer. Fondly, Ann
I don't know what happened when my mother dropped off her first child going to college, but I do remember what she did when she dropped off her fourth child - me. She pulled up to the back of the dorm, helped me take things out of the car, and drove away.
I am not a parent.... but a student that was driven by her parents to college (3 hrs away from home) some things that helped me
- Give your son a calling card (if he is going to a school out of your area) because it will save him and you money.
- Check out the town he is in (if you don't already know it).. where the library is, gym, main st. etc...
- Make sure that he KNOWS the rules of the dorm... so he does not get kicked out and have to find another place to live..
-buy some of the food he likes.... to star off with.. and check out the food plan... b/c where I went to school you had to have it when living in the dorm..... and any money not used the school kept....(it was no returned to the student)
-Make sure that he knows where to locate assistance with proof reading/ extra help because chances are you will not have time to proof read everything (I know, because my Mother is an English teacher and she tried but email essay help is hard...) which can save his grades....
- and if you son is anything like my brother you may want to give laundry lessons.. sorting and how to turn on the washer.
-a Lap top can be helpful with internet access and a printer because it can be diffcult to get a computer in one of the labs..
-he may want to find someone who lives nearby home. Because than they can go home for holidays together and all he would have to pay is Gas money (which is cheaper than a bus or a plane...)
- When you are leaving your son keep a smile on your face... nothing makes a student feel worse than seeing mum cry.... (you can always cry in the car)
and just think of all the fun stories he will have at thanksgiving
Bring your cash card. When you get to the dorm room, you will find out what you've missed - extra hangars, a fan, storage tubs, detergent, shampoo, extra power strips, etc. A trip to Target (or some other retail store) always happens. Girls are weepy, boys are ready to say goodbye and anxious for Mom & Dad to leave.
Lee, congrats on your efforts to educate the public regarding TBI. I met you in Naperville Illinois at your book signing, April 29th 2009. I gave you a copy of my book Every 21 Seconds, regarding brain injuries, specifically mine. I have to admit I really thought you would send over a comment on that book which if you google every 21 seconds brian sweeney, you will see how much i have done by myself. I dont have a publicist or an agent. I am a TBI survivor and I have been trying to provide education on the topic for years and i wrote that book...solo. I hope you read it, and if you have time just let me know what you thought of it. try to remember, I gave you that book because i am on your side. Brian Sweeney
But I will say one word: HEALTH. Lots to share with you.
1. check out the health center - the days of docs and medications being dispensed are gone on many campuses
2. Pack the medicine chest. Kids are told by health centers to learn to "self medicate." Dangerous in these days of people popping too many tylenols - but they need thermometer, fever reducer, band-aids, neosporin, etc. Give them the tried and true home remedies, tea, honey, sleep. Fluids. They're independent (ha!).
3. Find a local doctor - ask your pediatrician, professors, advisors
4. Oh, the freshman 15, it's ugly.
Joanna was really sick, the health center ran out of flu tests, the university encouraged she go to the ER. I helicoptered in and took her to our doc. I don't swoop in and search and destroy but the momma bear was angry her cub was lethargic and too weak to get out of bed.
Security no longer picks up students for rides to the health center -- liability...UGH.
They even offered parents an ambulance service to get kids to the hospital on orientation day. I was livid. The ER is not a doctor's office. Is there a Patient First near Colgate?